Luminescence

Vervolgens dwaalde m’n oog af naar de roos. De roos lag daar, op een klaarlichte juli middag nog net zo als voordat ervan een foto was genomen. Iets schoot me binnen. Ik vroeg me af hoe diegene de roos wel aankeek. Wat voor intrinsiek betekenis hij in die roos wel zag. Was het voor hem niks anders dan een kleurvol object om levenloze foto’s van te nemen of zag hij meer in die roos dan waaruit het fysiek gezien eigenlijk vooral uit bestaat; een boel koolstof?

Is een roos überhaupt wel iets meer dan dat? Is het meer dan een chemische samenstelling van verschillende elementen zo volmaakt in compositie en ontwerp wat ons zintuigen als een roos waarneemt? Voor ik het wist dwaalde m’n gedachte af tot meer diepere natuurkundige vraagstukken. Hoe neemt men eigenlijk een roos waar? Zijn het de fotonen die ervan afkaatsen en richting je oog schieten om uiteindelijk omgezet te worden naar impulsen wat ons hersenen als zicht visualiseert? Zijn het de moleculen die je neus opvangt en je vervolgens een geur sensatie geeft?

Hoe betrouwbaar zijn onze zintuigen eigenlijk wel als het een wel bewezen feit is dat het menselijke oog maar in staat is een klein spectrum van golflengtes waar te kunnen nemen. Je zou versteld staan hoe anders het realiteit wel kan zijn als we zelfs maar een beetje meer golflengtes zouden kunnen zien. Stel je voor dat je je magnetron ziet opgloeien zodra je de microwave stand aan zet. Stel je voor dat je draadloze verbindingen kan waarnemen. Stel je een wereld voor met tientallen meer soorten kleuren dan nu.

Het realiteit is een meer subjectiever ervaring dan we ons ooit hebben kunnen durven voorstellen.

Daar hield mijn gedachte het niet bij, en mijn thought-train kwam aan bij de sub-atomische wereld.
Wetende dat een botanisch plant als de roos uit miljoenen als niet een ongekend hoeveelheid plantaardige cellen bestaat begreep ik dat elk van die plantaardige cellen weer uit miljarden als niet ongekende hoeveelheden atomen zou moeten bestaan. En elk individueel atoom is opzichzelfstaand weer in compleet dwang van de kwantum regels van elementaire deeltjes. Voeg daarbij toe de verbijsterende leegte die tussen elk atoomkern ligt; en je hebt een recept voor een redelijk verbluffende perceptie van alledaagse leven.

Japanners hebben er een geweldig woord voor; ‘Kuusokuzeshiki’ 空即是色 , oftewel de illusie van het bestaan van materie.

Maar op een gegeven moment kickt mijn irrationaliteit-neiging in en zit ik te zoeken naar heldere metafysische verklaringen, maar tevergeefs zijn dat persoonlijk net zo min esthetisch bevredigend als een materialistisch kijk naar het feitelijke.

En zat ik dus daar met een kop cappuccino, bij een terras in het centrum van Amsterdam, het vraag te peinzen:

Altijd liepen er van die figuren rond op aarde, typen mensen die zich nergens om bekommeren, behalve wat goed voor hen uitkomt. Wie weet ben jij er waarschijnlijk ook één van. Tenminste ik ken er gerust een handvol. Mensen die geen moeite doen om zichzelf ergens mee in te mengen en het in plaats gewoon laten zoals het is. Personen die geen hand willen uitsteken naar een hulpzoekende, geen schouder lenen aan een troost zoekende.

Deze egocentrische eigenschappen verhinderen onze inzicht en beperken onze creativiteit, zolang jij niet de moed hebt om onbekende zaken te verkennen, want het zijn ‘jouw zaken niet‘ , toch?

Er zal weinig kans zijn dat je zo ooit je horizon kunt verbreden, laat staan dingen uit een creatief hoek bekijken, als je alle zaken niet het jouwe maakt en ze probeert op te lossen. Je zult uiteindelijk aan het einde van je leven een boom tegenkomen, hetzelfde boom die je een paar decennia geleden hebt gezien, en dat is waar je je zult beseffen dat je in een cirkel hebt geronnen.

Zodoende, leer van metaforen en zie jezelf als je eigen Marco Polo en begin elke dag met het heldere gedachte onbekende zaken en kwesties te ontraadselen en helpen oplossen. Alleen zo ben je in staat eens nou echt creatief te denken.

Het UnderNet #philosophy channel is mijn favo place to be at; wat ideeën wisselen en je perceptie vergelijken af en toe doet iedereen wel wat goed. De topic ging eerst over een vaak besproken onderwerp; oorlogen en conflicten — maar voordat ik het wist zat iedereen zichzelf als een astrofysicus te beschouwen en het hele discussie veranderde al snel in iets meer wetenschappelijk gebaseerd dan een hypothetische interpretatie van het onbekende (aka filosofie).

Ik nam dus de kans om het topic helemaal om te gooien door een van de raadsels in m’n hoofd op te brengen als een vraag, en lo de reacties..

[01:47] <Zy> I was wondering about the following: Is the increasing distance between two objects due to the expansion of the universe, of any relevance to the relativistic strength of attraction between them?
[01:47] <Zy> To sum that up..could perhaps gravity, if detectable, show off any signs of the doppler-effect?
[01:47] <Zy> Fuck, I’m here assuming that the elusive graviton works wave-like and acts as a photon.
[01:47] <starch> red shift is the word you are looking for.
[01:47] <mythomaniac> wow Zy, there you go
[01:48] <ggliddy> I suppose “red shift” technically applies, but it seems that the term should apply only to light.
[01:48] <starch> true.
[01:50] <Zy> Yeah, exactly – though if one would by the theory that a graviton is actually a higgs-boson particle but with photon-like characteristics.
[01:50] <Zy> *one goes
[01:50] <ggliddy> I’m no expert, though. Don’t listen to me.
[01:50] <starch> a graviton would be a higgs-boson?
[01:51] <Zy> Quoting wikipedia..
[01:51] <Zy> A hypothetical, massive subatomic particle with zero electric charge whose existence would explain the masses of the elementary particles.
[01:52] <Zy> I’ve just read somewhere about a possible explanation of a graviton.
[01:52] <starch> yea, the baseball particle being the weakest of forces.
[01:52] <Zy> since it would have to show off the same characteristics as a photon
[01:52] <Zy> Does that mean the doppler effect also applies to it?
[01:52] <starch> completely.
[01:53] <sutratma> XtrHotMarSpy.. you ignored in every response what I poiint out again and again … thatSPACE also expands
[01:54] <Zy> sutratma: I missed a part of the convo — what about matter in it?
[01:54] <starch> zy.
[01:54] <starch> the matter is that the higgs boson is not quite the gravitational force you are looking for.
[01:54] <sutratma> Zy.. not sure your question..
[01:55] <Zy> sutratma: Basically what I wanted to know is how the doppler effect would influence matter (whether by means of gravity or not). We know how it CAN affect sound and even light — but what about the expansion of the universe and it’s direct effective implications on matter itself?
[01:56] <sutratma> Zy: I dont know

Vervolgens dwaalde de topic over tot iets wat veel minder empirisch benaderbaar is, the mind.

[02:38] <bsod> Is the mind a machine?
[02:39] <Zy> The body is just a vessel of the mind, operated and biologically sustained only to provide the mind with opportunities and possibilities it could reason and consciously manifest in. (how’s that for my random thoughts)
[02:39] <bsod> That’s a rather complicated random thought
[02:41] <bsod> as far as i understand it, everything that is mind, is produced by the brain
[02:42] <bsod> and the brain is becoming better understood, also in terms of mind
[02:42] <XtrHotMarSpy> bsod then there is no need to talk about mind
[02:42] <bsod> for example when severing the connections between the two brain halves, there can develop 2 independent minds
[02:43] <bsod> i’m fairly certain i’m some sort of biological compute
[02:44] <Zy> Well, we are in some way a computer, in the sense that we react to impulses.
[02:44] <Zy> But more so because we’re controlled by our sub-consious to such a serious extent that what we are aware of, are merely the bits of impulses our subconscious feeds to our normal consciousness, our awareness.
[02:44] <ggliddy> Soul Reavers.
[02:44] <bsod> the mind is often seen as the ultimate philosophical issue
[02:45] <bsod> it has been debated for milennia
[02:45] <bsod> has all that been wrong? in vain? babble babble of people who just guessed?
[02:45] <OurKurtz> zombies
[02:45] <XtrHotMarSpy> bsod, so has “how many angels can dance on the head of a pin” … that it has been discussed interminably doesn’t mean it has validity.
[02:46] <bsod> true. increadible amounts of thought have been wasted on religion

De rest van het convo kan je je vast voorstellen. xD
Hint: Let op het onderste bericht.

Apocalyptica, originally emerged covering Metallica songs and progressively began forming their own sound. A sound which is marked masterful for their amazing symphonic plays with a cello.

Worlds Collide isn’t a collision. It’s more so a conjugation between musical flows and the merging of some very distinguished sounds into a whole. Numerous guest musicians are featured such as Till (Rammstein), Adam Gontier (Three Days Grace), and Cristina (Lacuna Coil).

All adding their own touch to the songs Apocalyptica provides the melancholic base for makes Worlds Collide an amazing bone-chilling, ear-orgasmic experience.

Tracklist

1. Worlds Collide
2. Grace
3. I’m Not Jesus ft. Corey Taylor (Stone Sour)
4. Ion
5. Helden ft. Till Lindemann (Rammstein)
6. Stroke
7. Last Hope
8. I Don’t Care ft. Adam Gontier (3 Days Grace) en Dave Lombardo (Slayer)
9. Burn
10. SOS (Anything But Love) ft Cristina Scabbia (Lacuna Coil)
11. Peace

Line-up

• Eicca Toppinen – Cello
• Paavo Lotjonen – Cello
• Perttu Kivilaakso – Cello
• Mikko Sirén – Drums

This was today’s dream.

I wake up in the middle of nowhere. And I’m holding someone’s hand. Who’s? I don’t know. It feels warm and so gentle. I feel a sensation of emotion tunnel it’s way into me trough the simple touching of hands.
But, the next thing I know, I’m in the middle of a crowded two-way street and I see people around me, a shitload of people. I’m unable to make out who is who. Everyone’s face is blurred and thus impossible for me to decipher any expression.

Now I’m in a car and I’m driving over a bridge, I see a sunset on my left, and I see a ferry boat on my right. The thing is, I can’t even drive for fucks sake, I don’t have my license.

Anyways, the next instant, I’m with this girl from school. She appears next to me in the car, identity undisclosed. We talk, I don’t know what we talk but it is a satisfactory chat. Right afterwards I drop the girl, and I see her walking on the streets. Now, I think this gets into a loop. I pick her up again, we talk, I drop her again.

After a bit, it is me leaving the car. I go to some Coffee bar, I sit down as she appears, we talk and have some coffee together, and I wake up.

Wow.

Let me explain myself.

Lately I’ve been thinking about the way I react to things, more specifically my attitude towards emotions I see in others. I realized that I’m quite expressive, and I can deal with my feelings on the spot. But, in contrast — my emotions lack focus. I have a hard time tunelling them into something straight and go BANG. More frequently than that I just say out something vague and confusing, and leave the person I’m talking to stunned thinking about what the fuck I just said.

When I have something in mind, I rarely hesitate to say it, even if it may possibly sound harsh to the one I’m talking to, but that’s because I don’t feel the need to hide anything. I am also not shy. Well, atleast not that much anymore. Shy-ness, as I see it, is just a symptom of pre-adolescence, everybody eventually goes through it. Mine was pretty bad. I remember having gone through entire days without speaking a single word at school, at all. at the time. That was my youth.

I mean, my way of speaking isn’t and has never been very comfortable to begin with. I’m just way too pensive I guess. And here’s the magic, while extremely thoughtful, I am very simple. Beyond all the thinkings of life, of morals, values, codes, etcetera that make me who I am, my concept of life is simple. Which is, to put it bluntly, based on pragmatism over ideology. Actually, pragmatism is an ideology by itself, ironically it is implicit, eh?

There are certain social human conducts I simply cannot understand. I feel alienated to them as i cannot possibly imagine myself in that position. When people fight with other people, how did it come that way? How can people actually feel the desire to kick someone else’s face? abuse, exploit, rape, and kill another?
How does one go about laughing at the failures of others? There are explanations, but that ain’t enough.

I never felt the urge to hurt anybody, perhaps one day when I were to find myself trying to protect someone.
A punch would then do justice. Maybe there lies the explanation, people that are pissed off are irrational, but they are this way because they simply haven’t grown up enough. In contrast, protective people are rational, as they’ve grown up enough to engrave their defensive values on stone. In my mind, getting pissed is not natural, it is something that is not practical and against the modus vivendi~ (way of life). I replace it with optimism, flued with some absurdism. I find a sense of crazy absurdism to be crucial to move on in life.

To me it provides a logic that enables an acceptance of things that occur, such as events and situations. It helps undoing the knot in complex situations.

It is a mental realization that nothing is important, and that should be a tranquilizing thought when calming tension.

In that way I overcame shyness. Why blush when telling an embarrassing thought, when it shouldn’t be embarrassing at all? (although let’s be real, if I say “I shit my pants” that would be an extreme. and dignity is, to me, something valuable beyond absurdism)

Therefore I find myself possible to be hence a bit extroverted. When it’s time to move, no limits, no restrictions, you should just lose it. I say random pointless thoughts from my mind from time to time, which can cause an awkward situation anyway, but do I care? No. I don’t. When talking one to one I have no problem telling people exactly how I feel or think about something, even if I know said person little.

Point is, by having extroversion by itself is not a problem to me.

Nevertheless, I find myself simply unable to be really extroverted.
I blame it on my concentration discapacity, but I dunno. I have this thing, I’m very liquid. I can be friends with anybody as I do not have prejudice at all. However I simply cannot stick to a group of friends or such. It is simply not in my nature to belong in a group, therefore while I do have very few friends, I do not have close friends.

Zehra is the closest thing to a close great friend I ever had. I dunno if that’s a sad thought (that my potentially best friend is an internet person), but when I thinkt of her, I don’t think of internet, I actually think of the reality beyond it. I really think of her.

Something I realized is that I’m not so good at talking in big groups of people. If I’m asked to tell something when in big groups, I tend to mentally block myself unless I can find something fun to say. The thing of this is that when in groups of people I cannot find it as a moment to talk seriously and open up. I have no problems at opening up when talking to one person, perhaps at most two, in fact I have an initiative to do so. However in groups of 4 or more, I simply cannot take it seriously. Those are moments when I get introverted and just listen and think. In said situations I really rather act and do stuff than think stuff.

Actions > Words
In all sense.

Love is not “I love you”. Every asshole could say “I love you”.
Love is an intrinsic desire to help and care for the other person.

Good Politics is not saying “We are going to increase national security”.
Good Politics is presenting a program to increase national security.

Back to the point of the journal, I think I explained how I have a mix of introverted and extroverted attributes.

I just thought i’d let you know.

Love,

I keep reshaping it’s outer edges, but now I’ve gotta remake the base foundation.
All while I get punched in the face for every alteration I attempt to make to it.

What the hell is that? It’s that pathetic thing I like to call my life.

The recent months have been life-changing ones for me, and one thing I’ve realized is that there’s a lot of time in the world, and there are some really horrible ways of spending that time.

So, what’s in a life? I don’t even know yet — It isn’t even worth trying to think about, but I still do anyway. They claim you work your whole life away, then end up retiring and you still have to fuck yourself over just so you can live. They also claim you can get rich quick, without having to work hard for it. They claim a lot. But who can sift through the endless amount of bullshit?
Who has time to dig out the truth in today’s fast-paced world?
Today’s truth is tomorrow’s outdated superstition.

During the previous past months, my mind had entered one of its temporary psychological states: Hyper-Disorganization. I was pretty confident I got out of that nervous period, but I recently figured out I’ simply got deeper into it, and now I can’t see the exit anymore. It all started with the simple equation of thinking “what I could’ve been”

Something I realized is that people around me seem to want a mirror. They need a mirror to look at, a reflection from which they can observe themselves from the eyes of another. Minds of most of em are so disillusioned by their own because of the lack of awareness in that they simply can not and will not evaluate their decisions based on a different perspective.

Conjugations arise, when souls rejoice in pairs; not in singularity.
I’ve never realized the true meaning of this as much as I’ve come to these days.

My mind is usually pretty random, I’ve already accepted that a long time ago already– but now it’s even worse. The randomness has morphed into random blank spots, and horrible lulls in the rhythm of my usual thoughts.

It’s little bubbles coming along a threaded line… bubbles of emptiness. The emptiness of my expressions…
The expressions I have such a hard time binding with my emotions.

I’m really having a freaking hard time dealing with my feelings these days,
What’s a guy like me to do when even the slightest spark of emotion is hastily overshadowed by false memories that arise during conflicts? Just when things seem to go so right, a deeply burrowed down memory unclouds itself just to give me a big kick in the nuts.

At such moments, I endure a simple counter confrontation between my feelings and memories which otherwise would work together so beautifully but fails to. Mostly because of the sole conflict that set it all in motion in the first place, whether it be a misunderstanding, an error, misjudgment, or action, it’s all the same and doesn’t matter anymore.

Obsession is feeling things that aren’t real or supposed to be and believing them to be true, while love is understanding what is there and cherishing it for what it is..

Love really is like a shotgun blast:
Powerful and hard-hitting at close range, but it scatters and diminishes in effectiveness over long range.

That’s it.